Who I Am
by robert3A-SN
Summary: Jeff and Annie confront each other in the study room after the first day of school, as Annie finds out why Jeff really wants to leave Greendale early, and Jeff finds out how Annie wants to change her life. Based on the sneak peeks for the S4 premiere, so there are spoilers.


**Based on spoiler clips and general spoilers for the S4 premiere on Feb. 7 – and written with the knowledge that this would probably never happen on the show [prove me wrong, new show runners] But consider this wish fulfillment while we wait for the real premiere.**

Jeff wouldn't wash the stench of the Hunger Deans and tangoing with the Dean until he got back to his apartment. Yet until he was ready to do that, he'd settle for lying on the study room couch until he got his strength back. It's not like the others would bother him after he pissed them off with his early graduation plans, and by dean-ing – BEATING – most of them in the games.

At least something good came out of today.

And right on cue, Annie made her way inside to mess that up too.

"Oh. Hello," was all Annie had to say. A more observant person would have noticed that the books she was carrying weren't her normal ones. But this is Jeff Winger we're talking about.

Yet even he had to notice when Annie put the books down and sat without a word. Not even a comment to Jeff about the games, or another putdown about his supposed betrayal.

So she was doing the silent treatment again, then. Well, Jeff wasn't in the mood to let it fester and make him behave….out of character this time. Between that, this whole day, the Dean's insanity in trying to make him stay – and the likelihood that Annie would try something too before long – he just wouldn't have it.

"All right, let's have it," Jeff insisted. "Make fun of me for the games, hate me for leaving early, Disney me to stay, whatever. Just do it so I have one less thing to dread tomorrow."

"Jeff, I don't have time for any of that right now, okay?" Annie said without looking at him.

"Oh, right. I won't have time to babysit you guys anymore, so you're not going to make time for me. Is that the great moral that's going to make me stay? Sorry, but I know your tricks too well," Jeff bragged, proud of himself for outsmarting Annie for once.

"Jeff, I'm serious! I have other things to do besides you, all right?" Annie argued, before getting flustered and correcting, "I mean worry about! Not that other thing!" she said before huffing and turning back to her books.

"Ah ha! Nice try, Edison!" Jeff smirked. "I know you can't stand to see us breaking up early. If anyone remembers, it's me!" he said, not catching his own choice of words. "I know the Dean already took his shot to make me stay here. I know that and firing Chang set the bar too high for your own plan. But try it so we can move on with our last few months together, and I can remember why I can't get out of here fast enough. Sound good?"

But it sounded the direct opposite to Annie, who stood up and frowned deeply – and not a childish sad Disney frown.

"You think I'd do _that _again? You…." Jeff swore he could hear Annie grind her teeth, although her voice hadn't gotten shrill just yet. "I'm not that kind of person anymore, Jeff. I'm not a _lot _of things that I used to be! Just because _you _can't be bothered to remember, it doesn't mean I can't!"

Jeff didn't know where that came from, but it was best to nip it in the bud now – if only to cut the inevitable screaming match down a few minutes. "So you _do _notice what bothers me or not! That proves you want to keep me here for your own selfish reasons again! No matter what it does to me!"

"What could it _do _to you, Jeff? Keep you from being – " Annie started before stopping herself – a rather weird tactic on her part. "No. No, I'm not getting into this. I really _do _have more important things to think about than your retconning."

"My what, Abed?" Jeff quipped, suspecting that was an Abed term although he had no idea what it meant – the surest sign it was an Abed word.

Annie sighed and explained, "It's your usual pattern of being a jerk after you get too good. I mean, three weeks ago you stood up to Alan, renounced being selfish and thought about something other than your four-year plan! But now you're making it a three-and-a-half year plan, like Greendale Court never happened! It's one step forward, three steps back out of nowhere for you, like always, and I can't get sucked into it again! Not now!" she declared before sitting back down.

That should have given Jeff his out to leave, and end this argument that Annie wouldn't start. But instead, he let escape, "Maybe it's just me coming to my senses, before Greendale screws me up even more. Your Greendale loving brain probably didn't let you think that."

"Really, Jeff? Back to bashing Greendale again? Retcon much?" Annie said, with an extra eye roll to cover up her lack of a better quip.

"Call the disease whatever you want. Greendale made me dance with a crazy man today, so I'll gladly be the retcon king!" Jeff proclaimed.

"Greendale made you do that? Jeff, you're giving it way too much credit," Annie deadpanned.

"And why shouldn't I? It's made me do things I would never do for three years, and it has to be stopped!" Jeff let get away from him.

"Who know what other insane things it'll make me do if I stay? It already made me dance with the dean, get myself fired from the only firm that'll have me, and made me search for my dad this last month alone! Well, it's not making me cross the insanity line anymore, you hear me?!"

Jeff yelled this last part to the ceiling, which pretty much undercut his point. And so did the previous sentence, which registered with Annie much sooner than it did with Jeff. By the time he realized what he revealed, Annie's eyes and mouth were wide open.

"Jeff….are you serious?" Annie wondered. "Wow," she added, not looking judgmental or overly proud of him, or any other thing Jeff couldn't deal with right now. In any case, he went to his go-to method of denial anyway.

"And scene," Jeff comically pretended. "That's a good senior-itus prank, don't you think?"

But Annie just sighed and responded, "Of course. Jeff, if you're doing your denial routine again, I really can't waste time with it right now. I mean, it's stupid to blame _Greendale_ for that…._fake _stuff you _didn't _do, but –"

"Why is it stupid?" Jeff interrupted, forgetting his regularly scheduled plan. "I know me, Annie! I don't do those things I _didn't _do in normal places! How is this not _not _Greendale's fault?"

Now it was Annie's turn to boil over, even more suddenly than Jeff did. "Because then_ I'd_ blame it for making me want to change majors! But I'm not that gullible, Jeff! It's _my own_ fault that I don't know who or _what _I want to be anymore, okay?!"

Like Jeff, Annie eventually realized she revealed too much. Unlike Jeff, she didn't pretend she was doing a sketch. She was too busy trying not to cry in front of Jeff, or let the entire day's frustration get away from her.

So she sat and looked at her books, despite not really reading them. This made Jeff finally take the time to notice they were from several different courses. Courses he had seen Annie enjoy over the years – even more than health care courses.

Now she was looking for one of them to be her new major and determine a new life path. Even Jeff knew how huge this was for her.

At the least, if Annie was busy with her own problems, she wouldn't remember the ones Jeff…._didn't _have. The best way to do that was to go away while she was sulking and distracted. And yet before Jeff knew it, he found himself sitting next to her, waiting for her to look at him again.

When she did, she took a few seconds to speak again. "It's really your fault more than Greendale's, anyway. Your stupid graduation plan made me think about how close we are to the real world. And a real world where I'm in health care administration…..doesn't look good to me anymore. I think I knew that deep down for a while, but you made me dig it up."

"Well….you know I'm never that helpful on purpose. So, my bad," was all Jeff could muster.

"Kind of. But only kind," Annie let him off the hook a little bit. "I mean, this is all that the me from three years ago wanted. But that me isn't me anymore. What I want and who I am has changed so much, and I need a life path that reflects that. As much as it scares the hell out of me that I don't know what it is yet. It would have been nice if I did this a year ago, when I had time to spare, but here we are!"

Annie chuckled bitterly, and Jeff tried to follow up with a smirk as well. But he could feel that it felt more like a pitying, sad, sympathetic smile. He didn't give those too often, so he knew what those felt like. But Annie didn't acknowledge it either way.

"It'd be so much easier if I could go back to who I was. But the new me has things that the old me never had before…..things we both never dreamed we'd have. Things like friends, family, a real home again, the ability to have fun and be goofy….wanting things that go beyond grades and jobs your parents picked out for you…." she trailed off.

Jeff kept quiet, for one reason or another, until Annie started again. "How can I go back to my old life plan when I have all that now? It's like….do I want to keep evolving, or just settle for who I am? Who I used to be?" Although she was paraphrasing the past, Jeff still froze at those choices of words.

"As scary as answering the first part is, I….I have to try, Jeff," Annie vowed. "I have to find out what would _really_ make me happy for the rest of my life. Even if it's so different from what I wanted before. It might be my last chance to try, and I've wasted too many of them already. Can you understand that?"

It took a lot out of Annie to voice all that – especially since it was only in her conscious brain for a few hours. But when Jeff didn't answer, Annie made herself remember that this emotional stuff was too much for him.

Yet the important thing was that he was a sounding board for her, before she got too crazy later. When it came to her, it seemed to be all he'd be good for in these final months. But Annie was depressed enough right now, so she turned away and waited to hear him leave.

"I might not be a lawyer again, Annie."

That sounded too close to her ear. Or maybe he was sneaking away now so he wouldn't have to follow up.

Yet when Annie turned her head again, Jeff was still sitting next to her and didn't seem to be budging. In fact, his mouth kept moving with actual, non-snarky words.

"Don't get me wrong, this is no health care. I still want what I wanted three years ago. But thanks to that little speech, _however_ it came out of me….I've blown things with the one firm that _might _hire a former fake lawyer. I mean, if I graduate ahead of schedule, it _might _impress firms with lower standards! But even then…." he revealed, as the puzzle that was Jeff clicked in Annie's brain.

He kept filling in pieces by adding, "I should have known better before I made that speech, but I didn't! I'm supposed to, right? But Greendale….or _something_….made me get too carried away to remember. And then it kept infecting me until I…."

He didn't finish, although Annie knew the answer already. Yet she knew it well enough, and knew Jeff and his issues well enough, not to bring it up out loud if he wouldn't.

"If I stay here longer than I have to, who knows what I'll do? Who knows how I'll screw myself over then? And who knows who I'll be stupid enough to talk to?" Jeff let escape. "I shouldn't want to do any of that, especially now! Not when I'm close to what will _really _make me happy for the rest of my life! This other stuff is too different…..but it's…" he couldn't let himself finish.

Annie almost asked about that other stuff, but she was worried it might stop Jeff's emotional roll. However, he seemed to be out of words regardless. So the two stayed in silence for a while, until Annie reflected and realized, "God, we are complete messes, aren't we? Giant, procrastinating messes!"

Jeff was surprised at the somewhat jokey tone in Annie's voice, since he expected her to sound more touchy feely. Maybe the new her really was different from the old her – as much as that might imply. But she still used big words, so it was still all Annie. That realization and the semi-joke somehow seemed to make him smile, and Annie began to do the same in return.

Yet Jeff surprised himself by willingly going back to the topic at hand. "You think I should find my dad, don't you?" he asked. He never imagined himself asking that to anyone – especially since the others would just annoy him further with their way of answering things.

And yet Annie didn't make things worse with her quirks. She just listened to him and tried to find the best answer.

What's more, she stunned Jeff by answering, "I don't know, Jeff. I would say yes, but….I'm really not the best person to tell you that. I mean, I'm just as lost as you are, and it's not like I'm brave enough to find mydad _or _mom again! Let alone look them up online! Truthfully, you're further ahead at this stuff than I've ever been."

"Now you're just trying to cheer me up," Jeff somehow came up with. "We both know you're stronger and braver with this emotional crap than I'll ever be. You looking for a new major proves it. I _never _imagined you doing that."

"You never thought much about my career at all. So that means little," Annie responded, yet the clearly playful tone negated her negative words. Jeff realized that and actually smiled at her improving mood.

She then got serious again and restarted, "But the fact you're even thinking about it is great enough, Jeff. When it comes to that stuff….it's huge for people like us. I sure know that today."

People like us. For Jeff, thinking like that about him and Annie was stupid and wrong. He told himself that more than enough times. And yet thinking about it now, and all the evidence in the last few minutes that backed it up….maybe that was huge too.

But if he got swept away by those emotions, he'd pay for it like he did with that speech. So for his own good, Jeff focused back on the negative and asked, "And that other problem I have?"

Annie's smile faded, which relieved and depressed Jeff. "I guess I have the same answer as before. I'm not the right person to give you career advice today."

"But you still want me to stay here," Jeff double checked.

"Not enough to do what the Dean did! Or what I did to Chang! I told you that's not me anymore!" Annie repeated. "I'm not going to have my dream senior year now, no matter what you do. So I have no reason or right to tell you what to do. Why should you listen to me, anyway?"

"I like listening to you," Jeff was stunned to say. So much so that he couldn't even backtrack and say he was kidding.

"Guess it's extra special because it's so rare," Annie tried to kid, although she was flushing a bit. Yet she tried to shake it off and focus again. "But it's not like I listened to you and cut you a break today."

"Not like I gave you a reason to," Jeff admitted.

"Now that I have one, I'm sorry," Annie conceded. "I'm sorry I called you stupid and selfish and gross. At least without adding nicer words at the end."

"Wait, when did you add those first words?" Jeff wondered, but Annie just chuckled and tried to brush it aside. After a few more seconds, Jeff had no choice but to add, "I'm sorry for what you're going through too. Do you need any help?"

Jeff almost asked "What?" at the end for letting that slip by. He was usually better at keeping idiot Greendale thoughts like that to himself. Now Annie would make him….then again, she hadn't been that co-dependent on him so far. And then again, it's not like it would _really _be so bad for Jeff to –

"No, thank you," Annie said quietly, almost like she was shocked at her own words. But after thinking them over, she repeated herself more firmly. "No, thank you. This is something I should figure out myself. Like a grown up."

"Annie, you've been figuring things out by yourself all your life," Jeff remembered.

"Well, I can't rely on you when you're gonna leave soon!" Annie blurted out, then flushed in embarrassment this time. "I mean, you and me…._whatever _you and me are now….I'm not in the best shape to let that throw me off."

"And that's why you can't help me either?" Jeff asked, more offended than normal.

"Not because of that!" Annie assured. "I'd do anything to help you, if you really wanted me to! But with everything I'm facing now, I couldn't give you my all. And it wouldn't be fair to you if I can't give you 100 percent! Not for this! I'd never forgive myself if that screwed you over," she resigned. "I want to help you so much, and I don't want to be this selfish, but…."

"But you can't solve my big problems if you're fighting yours at the same time," Jeff recognized. "I….think I kind of understand that." As they both took in how they understood that, Jeff let his amazement sink in as well.

"Look who's all grown up," he admitted to Annie. And for the first time, it hit him how true that really was. Two to three years of denying it, and it came crashing down like that.

"You'll get there," Annie teased, which filled Jeff with even more calm and understanding. The kind he couldn't get from her again after this, apparently.

"So we don't talk to each other until we've straightened ourselves out?" Jeff double checked.

"No, nothing that extreme!" Annie denied. "We can help each other with regular stuff, if we wind up working together. But the major stuff…..I think we have to sort out who we are and what we want on our own. _Then _we'll know if we really want to….talk to each other. If it's even what we want at all," she finished.

"Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing," Jeff muttered to himself. Or at least he thought he muttered it to himself. Muttering it outside of his brain was stunning enough to him, without knowing if Annie heard it too. Before he was tempted to find out, he finally got up and prepared to leave.

However, letting this end on their usual awkward, undefined note seemed wrong to Jeff. Maybe it was a sign that he was growing up too.

So to give her something to go on without confusing her, or projecting his own issues onto her, he commented, "There's no wrong decision here, Annie. No matter what you do, you're going to be incredible, like usual. I just hope you remember that. You just be the best parts of who you were, and the best parts of who you are, and there's _nothing_ you couldn't do," he finished with a funny feeling in his heart and brain.

Annie seemed to take it the right way, as she smiled and blushed just a little. She still had the composure to reply, "I could say the same to you. Just don't spend more than a few weeks by yourself, and you'll be fine. That tends to screw your brain up."

"I'm starting to notice that," Jeff acknowledged. "So….see you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow, Jeff. And thank you," Annie wrapped up, and for a moment, they slipped into their old private smiles once again. She then waited until Jeff was gone to get back to her books – feeling much more relaxed this time.

While Annie was at ease, Jeff started to kick himself. Talking things out with Annie did more to settle him down than all those weeks to himself. That tended to happen more than he had cared to admit. But now that he was starting to admit it, he couldn't do it again?

Then again, if he helped her out while battling his rotten issues, he really wouldn't forgive himself when it went wrong. Jeff couldn't put his crap on her and make her worry about him, when she had so much more to worry about. Even though she was sure to kick her problems' asses, like usual.

He actually wanted to see that. Annie Edison picking a major she truly loved, starting a career that would make her happy, and applying her usual skills to it – who the hell wouldn't want to see that? It would be the spectacle of the year – and Jeff's stupid career, dad and Greendale issues would keep him from fully being in her corner.

Yet he suddenly wished that it wasn't true.

He was struck with a desire to be in her corner. To be the kind of guy who would cheer her on without anything holding him back. To wow at how she was finding herself, prop her up when she needed it, and be proud of her when she came through in the end – like she was always proud of him when he did.

But he wasn't that guy yet.

To be that guy, he'd have to actually face his issues. To face his personal issues, he'd actually have to face his dad first. To face his career issues, he'd have to admit that scamming his way to early graduation wouldn't impress other law firms.

But unfortunately, he clearly wasn't good at facing this stuff away from Greendale. And to conquer all this and still have time to be there for Annie – in any way— it would take more than a half-year to fit it all in.

Well, wasn't that a bitch.

Maybe.

But if Jeff was going to stay and fix himself for….any reason, he'd still need help. It was truly unfortunate that he couldn't go to Annie – especially since by all logic, she was the only one who could really help and understand him through all of this. Part of Jeff knew that long before today.

Yet if he couldn't be logical and turn to Annie, he'd have to burden someone else he didn't care about burdening as much. Like Britta. Even though she was clearly busy with Troy, apparently.

For some reason, that triggered a weird, irrational, jealous stab in Jeff. Terrific. One more thing he'd have to face once and for all before he could get to the good stuff. In this _full_ final year, apparently.

"That good stuff had better be worth it," Jeff said to himself like a crazy person – even though he knew full well it would be.


End file.
